blank.

there must be someone out there for me.

yeah; this is what i want.

i want disco;
i want lights.

















i want beer;
i want alcohol.









i want dizzz
i want vodka.



i want techno;
i want dance.



i want party;
i want you.

it will all be worth it.

Seeing as I have spare time now (after working on a mind-blogging Math portfolio and wondering whether or not a chemical reaction is acidic or alkaline), I think I'm going to update you guys with some stuff.





So I'm officially a senior. Well, truth be told there really isn't much difference. Walking down to my homeroom I still feel like a junior (probably because I've had Gustavo as my homeroom teacher for the third year now). There really isn't anything special about being a senior - yeah, sure, we're the oldest bunch at school now, and we have off-campus privileges, but there really isn't much that's interesting. As usual the heavy workload stresses some of us out, and with Extended Essays and Portfolios and Internal Assessments due, it's like suddenly you just got hit on the head with a stone and your mind goes from painful to heavy to fatigue.

But the world suddenly seems bigger, and more complicated when the future comes glaring at us and we start thinking about colleges, SATs, personal statements and a whole lot more. It's actually quite daunting to think that we'd all be parting our own ways in just less than a year.

The first few days back at school - getting back into the realm of academics and social pressures and all that High School drama - was actually quite horrible for me. I guess the whole thing just overwhelmed me a little too much and I felt utterly trapped and depressed.

But I've come to realize that my senior year should be the most daring, risky, fun, challenging and I guess happy time of my life. So despite the work, late-nights and occasional breakdowns, I'm ready to cherish every part of this journey before it's too late to regret. [:

nothing else.

There are certain thoughts that run through my head that I can't get rid of. There are certain feelings that I am desperate to express, but afraid to reveal. I have been tied to this feeling of insecurity long ago, but it has never affected me so much until now.

i found out what killed my happiness today.

2. I just read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time so I have the sudden whim to write like Mark Haddon. I know I haven't written a post in a long time but I guess now is the time to do so. Just a few minutes ago I was literally lying down on my bed thinking about life. I also found out today that I was chosen to be a photographer at THIMUN Singapore this year rather than an Editor which was actually the position I had applied for. So I am quite sad about this because I really wanted to go and now I don't know if I want to anymore. Today is also the 4th which is a very special day for my bff and I.

3. Today I also went to Ann Perreau music studios which is the place I go to for my flute lessons. My flute teacher Mr. Alex is a really nice guy. Today we had lunch together after I had a flute rehearsal. We went to Starbucks and I ate a piece of sugar doughnut and drank a cup of ice vanilla latte with jelly. It was fun because it was the first time I saw Mr. Alex checking out a woman. This woman had nice legs according to Mr. Alex. I dared him to go and ask for her number but he insisted that he'd come back tomorrow at the same time so I don't have to see him if he gets rejected by her. Anyway I had a nice chat with Mr. Alex. We talked about his flings and his on and off girlfriend.

5. I also made a vital discovery today. I think I much prefer to be in a hot place than in a cold place. Like right now I'm typing on my labtop with the AC switched off and the lights switched off too. I like to be in the dark. Or maybe it's because I'm depressed now.

7. I'm quite sad too that school starts in two days. I keep thinking about the future and what it's going to be like and whether or not I will be accepted to my Early-Decision College and whether or not I will like it there. And when I said earlier that I was thinking about life, I meant that I was thinking about what I will become when I become an adult. I don't know what it means to become an adult because Mum always says its when you get your first job and Dad says it's when you go to College so I'm always confused.

11. Tomorrow will be the first driving lesson I have with my instructor. Tomorrow is also my school's orientation for new students. But I don't feel like going to the orientation but I think I will go to school in the morning because Mum needs to pay for the bus fees and I need to get new uniform since my old ones are yellow and I don't like the color yellow.

13. But anyway I am happy I got to do all the homework I'm supposed to. Now I have one day left before school begins and I think I will try to get plenty of sleep so I'm ready for school on Thursday.

dance dance dance till you drop.

Okay. I cannot get over this song atm.

All I ever wanted
was to see you smiling
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see

All I ever wanted
was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted
was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted
was you and me

I'm so alone
here on my own
and I'm waiting for you to come
I want to be
a part of you
think of all the things we could do
and everyday, you're in my head
I want to have you in my bed
you are the one, you're in my eyes
all I ever wanted in my life

All I ever wanted
was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted
was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted
was you and me

All I ever wanted
was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted
was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted
was you and me

Basshunter - All I Ever Wanted

 

And omg doesn't its video make you want to dance and club so badly!

merry-go-round.

There are so many things I wish I had, and so many I wish I could obtain. When I was four, I wanted to be a magician; at eight, I wanted to be a musician. But after I turned fourteen, I wished I grew up to be a teacher. At fifteen, I couldn't choose between being an anchor or being a hotel manager. And when I finally turned sweet sixteen, I decided I would try psychology, or even literature. But now, I'm seventeen and almost eighteen, and I still can't seem to paint my future. I look at the talents I have, and the hobbies I enjoy. I love playing the piano and I love singing. But they are only hobbies. I wish I had a soulful voice that I could deliver, and I wish my mind could hear and sing a different melody everyday. I love to write, I love to sing and I love to play the piano. Yet the only thing I cannot see myself doing, is being a songwriter, or even a singer. My writing whims come and go, and I don't have the persistence and commitment that I need to become a writer. My dedication to music has never remained high - my impatience will never allow me to pursue this. I love the feeling of success and attention when I speak in front of many, yet I've also learned that teaching requires so much effort, so much dedication and so much patience. I struggle through so many problems, with family and with friends, and I never get out without hurting someone, or hurting myself. So how do I study psychology, if I'm the one who needs a psychologist?

There are so many things I can't answer. I dream to be someone I can't, and to have some things I cannot get. I don't want to be famous in the future, but I want to be recognized. But how do I get this, if I don't even know what I want?

I'm still a kid and I don't know what I want. I'm on a merry-go-round that doesn't seem to stop; and until I find a direction, I will always be that girl.



And the truth is, this matters so much, so much to me.

robert hoffman.

muahaha. this is my new desktop background :D hey i made it myself okay! oh i love Robert Hoffman. I can't stop watching Step Up 2. Just for him. Oh he overrules Lee Hom. And Chad Michael Murray. (the only two other guys i find attractive in the entertainment industry).

no more than it was.

"for the first time, he sounded so distant on the phone. her mind wouldn't stop wondering whether it was because they hadn't spoken for two months, or whether it was genuinely because he was making an international call so it had to be short and terse. she kept fighting back the awful assumption that it was because he had fallen for someone else - not that it would matter to her. she tried occupying herself with some homework, but instead she found herself reading his old emails - those that were full of love, color, rainbows and unicorns; those that never truly existed or ceased to come back. but the more she read, the more restless she grew. she felt her body pull and her muscles tense; suddenly there was a roaring wave beneath her heart that battled to escape, and when it did, she was determined to do to whatever it takes to find out who this new girl was."

not quite the City yet.

SO HELLLO FROM NY.

Right now i'm writing from Syracuse, NY, @ Sheraton Hotel. I love how most hotels at NY (i guess probably the States in general) provide free internet access. So for the past few days i've been touring Universities. I feel so sick now. I arrived at NYC, but i haven't actually toured NYC yet. After our arrival, we drove to Boston the next day. Truth be told, Boston wasn't that much of a shopping city. It's like one of those cities where..you've been here once and you just wouldn't mind not coming back the second time. Or maybe it's just me, haha. Then again, as of now Paris is the only city i'd love to live in. Anyway, the city was still great! Weather is awesome - very cool, with slight wind breezes every now and then. I didn't buy much, haha. Okay that's because things were just too expensive. I swear, you look at the price tags and you'd think if that was in Ringgit it would be reasonable; but it's in US dollars. Like a burger set at McDonalds would cost 10 US Dollars. That's like RM40!!!!!. Anyway haha that's not a surprise.

I've bought a lot of stuff though. Well, more like, merchandises from University stores. YES i went to Harvard college (seriously...it's not as 'prestigious' as it looks on websites). I also bought a sweater from Brown's University bookstore. haha. Okay, if i quit the U talk..i did buy short shorts with Boston written on the back. I bought a few other stationaries and tops at Taiwan as well (we had to stay one night at Taipei to take a transit flight the day after to NY). If rainbows and the supposed pot of gold at its end ever existed, i'd walk over one and grab as much $ as i can; then i'll fly back to Taipei's night markets and buy the entire market. hahahaha.


okay okay. i have a lot more to say but unfortunately i have 15 minutes left on this computer. (yeah there's free internet but you have limited time) what a bugger huh.


more sooooon!

take two.

[:

testing 1 2 3

sorry, that was complete nonsense.
but what a fun way to blog!

touchdown.

it hasn't quite hit me yet; you know, the whole end of a school year thing. it's not like i'm graduating high school, but i do feel the need to celebrate the end of my junior year. it does mark the end of one year of IB. that's an achievement that needs to be commended! i don't really want to look ahead, because i don't really want to face that daunting summer to-do list; at least not at the moment. for now i just want to enjoy the freedom i've earned, and the the joy that will hit me soon enough so that summer will be as content as i want it to be. summer's about the beach, the city, the glams and of course the gossip and the flings! fortunately i will be exposed to the summer heat, gossip and above all the summer skyline when i walk down the city of lights, glam, alcohol and money..yeah baby - New York City. okay i admit i'm going to the States partly because i will be looking at Colleges (i'm driving from NYC > Boston > Rochester > back to NYC). But anyway that doesn't mean i won't be using the city to my advantage; give me some more money and i promise i'll get everybody souvenirs from NYC! ;]



junior year. was quite like a cliche. there were those inevitable ups and downs, tears and yells, and not to forget, depressions and pms-es. beauty sleeps gradually disappeared, and mornings became our enemies. friends grew apart, but some grew closer. we juniors are a small group, but we've relied on each other through our first year of IB. from the IB retreat to Malaysian Studies, and then to our first Prom night. this journey wasn't easy. there were many times when i felt like giving up, backing out of IB. there were times when things just weren't going the right way, and i needed to rehink where i was heading, or if i was heading anywhere at all.



decisions were made, but many regretted. sometimes you can be so preoccupied with yourself that you forget the most important people in your life; you forget your friends. i want to tell all of you that i will always remember those warm hugs, big smiles and continuous encouragement you have all given me. in all the darkness and gloom that surrounded me, you were the ones who brightened my day; you were the color pencils that brightened and sweetened my life.



amidst all the hard work, we did manage to pull off a few rendez-vous and gatherings: summer bbq party at Zennie's, my birthday outing, girly sleepovers, Laundry's mocktails, Sunway's ice and lagoon, beer with the Koreans, Ishida's visits...etc.




in the end we pulled through all of it, so let's not give up. for now let the work pile up on the farthest side of our working tables. grab a paper, and make a to-do list for summer - one that's NOT work or ib-related. :)

the final reach.

countdown to summer begins today.
we're almost there.
1 year of IB and we're almost there.
1 week of school left.
summer in 8 days.
10 hours until exams begin;
we're almost there.




in the meantime, here's my exam schedule:

Thursday
none.

Friday
Morning: Physics HL
Afternoon: Chemistry HL

Monday
Morning: English SL

Tuesday
Morning: Math HL

Wednesday
Morning: History SL



summer i know you are waiting for me.

only a dream.

i want to live in a world,
where it's only me and you;
i don't care if the mornings are dull and the nights gloomy,
just as long as i have you.

i want to sit by the road,
and kiss you;
until your lips have gone red,
and your face flushed.

i want time to stop,
to cease the moment;
so i can live the memory,
for as long as i need.

a compilation.

hello helllo!
Ah. It's been so long since I actually had the time to blog, given all the IB work. And yes! This post isn't an ode to procrastination! It's a celebration of a no-work day! (well okay; maybe not. I'm behind all of my IA's and Math Portfolios; and needless to say, CAS and EE). Anyway, that's not the point of this post! I know I haven't been writing at all for the past few weeks. That's really because I just had so much going on at school. So rather than having me ramble about all that stuff, I'll illustrate them through some photos!

April 17th to 19th: MYMUN VI CONFERENCE
This year, I was Editor-In-Chief for the MYSPY Newspaper!













April 25th: Variety Show (sorry no photos for this one) + Pot Luck Party with ISE Australians


My Tri-M members










May 2nd: Tri-M Music Honor Society RUMAH HOPE Trip (i have much to say about this house. but will save this for next time).













May 4th [today]: Outing with Bff Zennie! And the birth of his new ODM watch!!














so that's the update. now I have three weeks left of school, which means three weeks before exams. bahhh, here we go again.

emotions run.

some things are better left unspoken. cliche i know.

_____________________________________________________________________

I love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate you . . . . . give me a flower with petals and I'll tell you the answer.

_____________________________________________________________________

"this is my blog and is none of your business." - KY

____________________________________________________________________


stand up for yourself; no matter what others say (:

_____________________________________________________________________

cherish your friends.

_____________________________________________________________________

IB creates AND exacerbates depression.
"..so do black dudes" - Allan

_____________________________________________________________________

I WANT TO KILL PHYSICS.

_____________________________________________________________________

I'm so proud of my World Lit paper [; (only because it's the first real IB assessment that's going to be graded by IB)

_____________________________________________________________________

I love my bff [:

______________________________________________________________________

I love Chee and the MZ [:
"..and the negro race" - Allan

_____________________________________________________________________

I'm Deputy Secretary General AND MYSPY Newspaper Head for next year's MYMUN Conference:)

______________________________________________________________________

Allan is looking at my screen. T.T
_____________________________________________________________________

I'm taking the SAT Reasoning Test for the last time (yes baby) this Saturday. But omg how pressuring T.T I NEED MY 22OO. yeah as if i'm going to get that score :(
".. i'm pretty sure i would have gotten 2200 if i was black" - Allan

______________________________________________________________________

I discovered my penchant for journalism!

______________________________________________________________________


i will destroy ur face. - Allan

_______________________________________________________________________

I loved my MYSPY Team!


_______________________________________________________________________
(i wrote this during Math class with Allan bahah)

my weekend.

MYMUN VI conference this week! More updates later but just thought I'd drop by! I LOVE my MYSPY Team!! You guys are STARS :)





In the mean time, haha; i think my neighbor's having a mini-concert - probably for some celebration of a kind. So, even though my 1000+ songs in iTUNES were all unfortunately washed away a few weeks ago, i have background music for the remainder of my night! They're singing songs that are really old, but so classic! Yeah, it's not like a real concert where there are real celebrities. I think it's probably one that my neighbor orgnanized themselves. It's like a small karoake session on stage! :D The singing's actually pretty decent. I actually hear music rather than noise! :)

learn.

some people just disappoint you. sometimes, even the closest people you have disappoint you. The worst part is that they don't know it and you don't really want to do anything about it for fear of a fight. so then you let it go, but then there's just that dominating feeling of unfairness that does not seem to fade away. so what do you do? you let it go, and lose the only opportunity you had to teach that someone a lesson that might just be useful to him/her in the future.

Another boring day of IB

The date today is 14th April 2009. It's a Tuesday, and this is actually my least favorite day of the week. Why? Because it's the middle of the week and there's nothing at all we can look forward to. On Wednesday's, the story is different because we can slowly cruise into the weekend. On Mondays, i kind of feel as though there's something to look forward to. Well anyway, that's just how i think about it. Life doing the IB Diploma is pretty dull, so dull it makes you count the days until the weekend. Believe me, those people that take 4 IB classes only and amongst them only take 1 HL class are so irritating when they whine about their busy life. Like seriously, they have no idea what we have to go through!!!

OK la i don't know why i'm so mad now. Probably because there's so much work i have to and so little hope i can see of getting it done in the near future. To those soon-to-be Diploma students, the most important skill you need to possess is far-sightedness because i swear if you look into your planner and see the amount of work you have to do in the coming 2 months, you'd pass out.

Anyway, before i go i want to leave you with a picture summarizing the thoughts going around in my head:

to myself.

gosh i hate you.

bird.

i'm locked in a cage and i can't get out.

looking ahead.

i've been thinking quite a lot for the past few days. i've been thinking about my future; you know, what i want to do and where i wish to go. sometimes i feel so jealous of the seniors at our school! they're done with everything including CAS and EE, and in just a few months time they will be graduating, and then stepping into a whole new dimension - heading to Uni and meeting new people. i wish i was at that stage - knowing I've been accepted into a college that actually wants me, looking foward to living alone and being independant and making new friends! but i have a feeling that when i do get to this stage, i would want time to turn back. right now i'm so eager to graduate, but i still have a long way to go. my to-do list just goes on forever; it feels like there's just so much to do and not enough time to do it. time is passing by too quickly; in a blink of an eye it'll be the end of my junior year; by the end of this year i would be done with college apps; and by February of next year, i will be turning 18.

maybe i should be appreciating my final years in high school instead of contemplating about the future. i don't really know.

___________________________________________________________________

this is a must see if you're an IB victim.

for all you IB haters and procrastinators, the following website is a must-read!!!

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/IB
check it out.

Here are some stuff from the website:
"You know you're in IB when ...You wonder if there's Cliff's Notes on the Calculus book." HAHAHA.
"The extended essay is a 4000 word demonic piece of writing, requiring the students to bullshit about their chosen topic."

THE ASIAN TEST.

ok i HAD to steal this from Honoka when she tagged me on Facebook.
Just know that in my life i never really wanted to be TOO Asian!

THE ASIAN TEST

Do it if you are Asian.
(:If you are not, just do it anyways. :P

[x] Both of your parents are from Asia
[x] You were born in Asia
[ ] You use the term "Azn"
[x] You think DDR is cool
[ ] You watch anime
[ ] You like Korean drama (but i like Taiwanese dramas)
[ ] You have stuff hanging on your phone (not anymore- this is a Japanese thing to do)
[ ] Your parents want you to marry within your own race
[x] You eat rice almost everyday
[x] You drink lemon tea (u don't have to be Asian to drink this?!)

X's so far: 5/10

[ ] You style your hair (i don't have to! it's straight already!)
[ ] You have a xanga/bebo/myspace/friendster
[x] You speak languages other than English
[x ] Your parents are strict compared to other REALLY asian parents
[x ] Your parents have high expectations of you.
[ x] You always get A's/B's on your report
[ x]You do Chemistry/Biology/Physics/Accounting
[x ]You know your multiplication table (T.T anyone who doesn't know should be in kindergarten! no offence that is)
[x] You play badminton or table tennis
[x] You've seen the asian version The ring/The grudge

X's so far: 13/20 (dear me. i don't think i'm doing well on the test so far)


[ ] You own an asian car
[x] You're not the only child (uh what does this have to do with being Asian or not T.T)
[ x] You've gotten little red envelopes around February
[ ] You know the difference between kung fu, karate and tae kwon do
[ ] If you're a girl, you prefer white guys over asian guys, or if you're a guy you prefer asian girls[x] Your mother tries to bargain even though the product is already discounted
[ ] You can do the rubiks cube
[x] You have a box of noodles somewhere in your house
[ ] You play video games

X's so far: 17/30


[ x] Your parents won't let you go out if you have school the next day
[x] You have asian songs on your computer/iPod
[x] You don't like football
[x] You have/had a curfew
[ ] You know what ulzzang/tb means
[ ] You know what purikura is
[x] You like bubble tea
[x ] Your parents bought you shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come
[ ] You've played final fantasy
[ ] You believe in fortune cookies

X's so far: 23/40


[x] Everytime you're going out your parents ask you where you're going and what time you'll be home
[ ] You have karaoke at home (i wish.)
[x] You have have heard of BoA, Gazette, Ayumi Hamasaki, Gackt, Jay Chou, Twins, or DBSK
[ ] You've been to a LAN more than 3 times
[x] You have incense sticks/moth balls in your house (ahahahhahha this is a good one.)
[ ] You own a gaming console
[ x] You play a musical instrument
[x] You don't wear shoes in your house
[x] You can use chopsticks well
[x] You get nothing if you do well in school

X's so far: 30/50


[ ] You know what bok choy is
[ ] You've heard the song "Got rice?"
[x] You have/had a tutor
[ ] You've had pockys/yan yan before
[ x] When you seek for your mother's permission she replies "Ask your dad"
[x] You like to save things in case you need them later, even if you never use it.
[x ] You have tasted durian
[ ] You hope to be employed in something practical, like medicine, law, accounting, or engineering
[x ] You have eaten dog or snake
[ ] Everyone thinks you're at least a year younger than you actually are

X's so far: 35/60


[x] You call your adult family friends "Auntie" or "Uncle"
[ ] You have or have had a bowl cut
[ x] Your parents enjoy(ed) comparing you to their friends' kids
[ ] You eat everything with chopsticks
[ ] You hang/hung your clothes out to dry on a line attached to the window of your flat and the window across from yours
[ x] You are applying/applied to an ivy league college
[ ] Your parents or relatives have tried setting you up with someone
[ x] You eat for breakfast what is considered food unfit for breakfast
[ x] You scored higher on the math than you did on the verbal on the SAT
[ ] You always cheer for the Asian athlete on TV

X's so far: 40/70


[ ] You love shopping at Costco because everything's cheaper when buying in bulk, even if you don't need so much
[ x] You buy rice in 50lb sacks at least
[ ] You have had to wear hand-me-downs
[ ] You get two of the same thing but one is better because it's free
[ x] You fight for the bill because of face, even though you don't actually want to pay for such an expensive meal (omg so true hahaahhaah)
[ ] You make things yourself because it's cheaper, even though it takes more time
[ ] You own a huge butcher knife but it's actually called a "vegetable knife"
[x ] You own a lot of Tommy Hilfiger or Calvin Klein
[x] You can down cups of tea like water and not feel the caffeine effects because you're used to it[ ] You love hot pot

X's so far - 44/80


[x] You make your rice without butter, spices, or salts
[ ] Your parents are especially loud on the phone
[ x] You always take home the leftovers from a restaurant
[x ] You try to coerce others into taking the leftovers if you're eating with company
[ x] You give fruits as gifts
[ ] You will waste extra gas to find cheaper gas/other things
[ x] You are smaller in size compared to the Caucasian population
[ ] You have relatives in Canada
[ x] The number 8 is an extremely lucky and important number to you
[ x] The number 4 is an extremely unlucky number to you

X's so far - 51/90


[ x] Every big event revolves around food
[x ] You have gotten used to the smells of herbal medicines
[ ] You are stick thin and want to keep it that way
[ ] You try to save money on everything you buy
[ ] You eat a lot but it doesn't add much to your weight
[ x] You care a lot about staying in fashion with the rest of Asia
[ x] School is always the number one priority in your family
[ x] You care a lot about honor and saving face
[ x] Your parents expect you to do everything right
[x] You mix languages up constantly while thinking and speaking

X's total: 58/100


25 or lower - White Washed
26-30 - European/Canadian/AmericanBorn Asian
31-40 - Pure Asian
40-45 - FOB Washed Asian
45-50 - Pure FOBS
55 and up - Hopelessly FOBBY

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH NO. WHAT. NO. THIS IS ALL MY PARENTS' FAULT. THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE SO ASIAN. NOT ME T.T